Losing the Courage to Work with a Disability
I won’t go into detail about my disability, but you can probably imagine from my writing.
I’ve lost jobs because of my disability, and after taking time off to recover, my stamina was so low that even when I found a job, I was late three times in one month. After receiving harsh criticism, I set an alarm for “tomorrow” with Alexa without considering that the date had already changed, overslept for the fourth time, and quit that job in what felt like escape. Since then, I’ve lost confidence in working and vaguely considered freelancing, but after studying web design for several months, I still haven’t produced any tangible results.
Confessing About Medication Overdose to My Doctor
Due to my disability, it takes me longer to get into a study rhythm, and when my medication wears off before I’ve finished studying, I fall into depression from anxiety and frustration. Today, I confessed to my doctor that I had overdosed in an attempt to escape these feelings. My doctor said that because I’m not steadily employed, I have no foundation for my life, and my savings are continually decreasing, causing underlying anxiety. He said that becoming depressed when my Concerta wears off isn’t due to the medication itself, but because the medication is only masking my baseline anxiety. Looking at my progress so far, he thinks freelancing is unrealistic for me. He compared it to an elementary school student dreaming of becoming a professional soccer player, and scolded me saying that steady work is important and it’s okay not to have hopes for the future. He also reduced my prescription period.
My Doctor’s Points Are Valid, But…
Even if I find employment for people with disabilities, jobs that I could sustain long-term are highly competitive and I’m easily rejected. If I carefully explain my disability, naturally no one would want to hire me. Yet disclosure of disabilities is a prerequisite for disability employment. Regular part-time jobs might require me to work until 65, or in my case — since I only receive a small disability pension — I would need to work until 75 or 80 to avoid depleting my savings and becoming unable to support myself.
My Birthday Is Coming Soon
Even if I give up on becoming a freelance designer, at 47 it’s difficult to find employment for people with disabilities. My doctor recommends it as if it’s easy to find, but it’s painful to blame my disability every time I’m rejected. From a different perspective, my disability can be a strength. My interest in various things, ability to concentrate for hours studying at the computer, my meticulousness in testing which of my many font subscriptions would work best for web design (though I’m wasting money), and my attention to design details — all these are positive aspects of my disability. Becoming a freelancer would allow me to transform from someone who is misunderstood and seen as a nuisance due to my disability, to someone who can leverage the characteristics of my disability and affirm myself.
My Doctor Has Given Up
He told me, “You won’t do what I say anyway. Since you’ll do things your own way, anything I say is pointless.” It’s true that I struggle to generate design and programming ideas, and what I’ve studied so far hasn’t led to results. But I’ve subscribed to two AI services because AI can help with areas I struggle with. From now on, couldn’t I rely on AI to produce results? AI has certainly evolved in recent years to a level where it can be used for generating ideas. The backend programming I studied until two years ago only resulted in one project, but AI has evolved tremendously in those two years.
Only a Small Percentage Succeed
Many people try to become freelancers, but probably only a few percent succeed. So my doctor has valid reasons for discouraging me. But looking back at my history of becoming depressed at work or being forced to quit because of my disability, can I really say that disability employment would be okay? Disability employment fundamentally demands that I work at the same speed and accuracy as others with disabilities. However, after working eight hours, I’m so easily fatigued that I was late four times in one month, and I work slowly. I think someone like me would be let go no matter where I go. That’s why, when I fled from that job, I truly lost confidence in my ability to work outside, matching others’ schedules and hours.
